My Trip to the Cemetery

Posted on December 19, 2009 by Tony Papajohn

Well the last few days have been interesting.

Last Thursday night, I really got mad at someone who has been close to me and very dear to me for about 15 years. At least on the surface, her drug use and drinking precipitated this incident. And “really got mad” is really an understatement.

Regardless of my stated intentions (always problematic because I can fool myself with world class skill), I behaved badly. And that’s another understatement.

Well, I am ashamed of myself. If anyone should know better, it is me. And I didn’t.

So this means I still have work to do on myself. Ya think? This is hardly news to anyone who knows me well.

The next evening, I happened to meet Craig, a friend of a friend. In casual conversation, he openly admitted being a recovering addict. So I introduced myself and wondered if I could ask a few questions.

Here’s a brief summary of our extended conversation:

I can only fix myself and what the other person does or does not do is up to her.
I’m as sick as she is. And this even though I don’t drink or use recreational drugs.

So here are the headlines:

I was not yelling at her. I was really yelling at my drunken grandfather and have not made my peace with him even though he passed away in March, 1986.
I did everything I could to hurt the lady about which I care. In fact, I did it with no small amount of gusto, flourish, and style. I acted like her father, twisted things I had done for her into what they were not, and abandoned her.

A witch’s brew to be sure. However, that is what I did.

Moreover, in the course of the next few days, I realized that I have reacted in this way for over 30 years. There have been a few novel variations over the years. However, the pattern of co-dependency (trying to please someone), simmering until I get boil over, and then blowing up is now all too familiar.

And not just sparked by drugs and drinking. When I am basking in hurt feelings (for real or imagined reasons) and lash out, I am amazed at how I can be both predictable and creative at the same time.

So I have had to take a long and not-too-pleasant look in the mirror. And I am not exactly pleased with what I see.

However, I am making progress. I am heartened to recall this story about Swiss psychologist C.G. Jung. Apparently, he had a fierce temper and was quick to anger.

After calming down, he would seek out the person with whom he was so upset and try to reconstruct what happened and why he had such an awful reaction. He wanted to understand what happened and take steps to see that it does not happen again.

So I have begun the same process. So here’s where I am with this.

I’m going to go to a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting as soon as I can find one.
I visited my grandparents graves in Mt. Carmel Cemetery in Hillside, Illinois.

On the later point, I had a talk with my grandfather. I didn’t get mad at him. However, I told him that I was still angry over the way he treated my grandmother and my mother. I still love him and honor his memory. However, I am still very hurt and very honked off.

Well, the upshot was that I can and will recall the good memories of him. And they were numerous. He had many good qualities. So I will have to focus on these.

And I’ll note the progress I make from time to time.

Filed under: Working On Me | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

Two Good Bedside Manners

Posted on November 30, 2009 by Tony Papajohn

My Dad died last night about 10:10. I can’t tell you the sense of relief that he is gone after such a long, protracted, and lingering illness.

And the last two weeks were an adventure to say the least. So I’m actually glad he deteriorated as rapidly as he did.

So let me tell you about two people who are well-suited to their professions that made this experience easier.

The first is Chris Perrica, the hospice nurse and the second is Mike Carbonara, the funeral director.

When I went to check on my father, I immediately thought, “He’s gone.” So after checking for a pulse, heartbeat, and respiration, I called the hospice and they sent Chris. She arrived an hour or so later and pronounced at 11:40 PM. She did all her official duties while still being very comforting and supportive to my mother.

While waiting for the funeral home people to arrive, I talked to Chris and she related how every nurse finds the place he or she belongs. And for her, it was 15 years ago when she decided not be a “rescuer” and get into hospice care.

And I did get the sense that this is what she is on this earth to do. She sat with us until the funeral home employees removed my father’s body and she didn’t have to do this.

So earlier today, my mother, sister, brother-in-law, and I went to the funeral director’s office to make all the necessary arrangements. Towards the end, I commented to the funeral director that he had a wonderful bedside manner. He smiled and thanked me, saying it was like a shot of vitamin B12, which I’m guessing he gets.

And Mike does have a wonderful bedside manner. He has just the appropriate mix of business, friendliness, and a genuine sense of concern and respect that, I’m sure, have made his success possible.

And I’m guessing that these two people did not learn their respective bedside manners as much their “bedside manners” are an expression of who they are as people.

So did the profession come first and then the bedside manner or did the bedside manner precede the profession? Without question, the bedside manner preceded the profession. So these two people gravitated to professions that naturally selected for the kind of caring people they are.

I love seeing people who are well-suited to their profession and enjoy what they do. Life is too short to do otherwise.

Filed under: Observations about Life | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

About Making Peace

Posted on November 28, 2009 by Tony Papajohn

As I write this, my father is upstairs getting closer and closer to his final breath.

I’m sorry to report the end is not coming smoothly. Although it’s been days since he could talk, I still sense that he is still fighting.

When last he could talk, he would carry on about “Why? Why? Why?”

And my best answer was to distract his mind with anything else that came to mind. This limiting pattern is best interrupted. Besides, I don’t have a good answer that he would process anyway.

And I finally got my mother to defer to me instead of trying to engage him in a deep discussion of his passing. I promise you, when this is over, I’m going to sleep for 3 days!

So here’s the point. There’s a time in life to fight and time to make peace. Only wisdom determines which alternative is appropriate to the moment while not fooling oneself in the process.

In this situation, one does not need a depth of wisdom or a towering intellect to realize that making peace is the best possible option. I can only hope that in the time he has left, he will accept this such as he can.

Of course, that’s easy for me to say. Nevertheless, I will be a soothing as I can be as I’m guessing he still hears and senses what’s being said and felt around him.

Another interesting point:

Some friends and relatives have said “Call if something happens.”

I realize they mean well. However, I respond with something like “This is not an ‘if.’ This is a ‘when.’ Something will happen and that something is that he will die. I just don’t know when.”

And someone even intimated that there might be a miracle. I replied that the miracle would be a peaceful, relaxed, and comfortable passing. I even deadpaned, “What does this look like? Lourdes?”

So the biblical injunction “Blessed are the peacemakers: For they shall be called the children of God” (Matt. 5:9), does not necessarily refer to breaking up fights. It means to make peace with those life situations with which all we can do is make peace and move forward the best we can.

Filed under: Family | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

How Rapidly Things Change and the Question that Helps

Posted on November 27, 2009 by Tony Papajohn

As I continue to care for my father as he fades away, I’ve had an interesting insight. As soon as I learn what to do to make him more comfortable, the game changes.

In other words, what worked 36 hours ago does not work now. For example, the method of administering liquids changes from straw to mouth swab.

And I know that everything I’m seeing is anything but new. I’m certain that someone who is skilled in the art knows what’s happening and what to do that will make the patient as comfortable as possible.

So I call the hospice number, describe what I’m seeing, and ask “What am I seeing that I don’t know what I’m seeing that you know what I’m seeing because you are skilled in the art?”

Invariably, I get an answer because I am talking to someone skilled in the art. So as the game changes, so to speak, I am able to adapt as quickly as possible.

It’s an adventure

And one more thing. A hospice nurse told me that this experience would be different in a third world country.

This is because the extended family is more likely to be larger and live close and be involved with each other on a regular basis. And the patient is less likely to be as sick and last as long.

So it is more of a community activity than the responsibility a single caregiver.

Didn’t know that. However, it makes sense.

If nothing else, remember the question, “What am I seeing that I don’t know what I’m seeing that you know what I’m seeing because you are skilled in the art?”

You can apply it to any situation in which you want a good result and don’t mind admitting you don’t know what you are doing.

Filed under: How My Mind Works | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

Random Observations while Caring for My Father

Posted on November 26, 2009 by Tony Papajohn

Here are some random observations that have occurred to me as my father enters his last days and I do the best I can to make him comfortable until he passes.

In some 250,000 generations of human beings, only in this last generation has a human needed to care for another human who is utterly helpless, very sick, has no hope of recovery despite very sophisticated and expensive care, and yet can linger for some time. I sometimes feel I am participating in breaking new ground for the species.

After all, very few humans in all of human history have ever had to do what I’m doing. People this sick just didn’t live this long. So as you take the long view of our time on this planet, caring for a parent of this age who is this sick is a new development.

I’ll say it again, people this sick just didn’t live this long.

And, not surprisingly, I know of at least 5 people in my circle of friends who have cared for a terminally-ill relative who died at home. So I guess this is a more common human experience than I realize.

Here’s an ironic way of looking at this whole process. The more I get better at caring for him, the more he slips away. In fact, I’ve got the feeling that as soon as I get really good, he will be gone anyway.

I’m glad I have friends. I am fortunate in that at least 6 or 7 people call now and then to see how I’m doing.

I’m doing OK. I am so at peace with this and have such a sense of humor about it, some people suspect I am lying and in denial about my own grief.

However, I’m really OK and then some. All I’m doing is helping him to the other side and making it as easy on him and my mother as possible. And, now and again, I acquit myself well and could pass for someone who knows what he is doing.

However, I am planning to keep my day job.

I have had about 4 hours of sleep a night. And that was here and there.

As a friend of mine who cared for her mother when she passed says, it’s like taking care of a baby. Both the baby and a gravely- ill patient are helpless and need constant attention.

Isn’t it fascinating how we enter the world and leave it in a similar fashion?

Filed under: Family | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

The Full Circle of Life

Posted on November 24, 2009 by Tony Papajohn

Here’s an observation about life that I realize with renewed fascination as I care for my terminally-ill father.

As he continues to fade away, I am once again realizing this simple fact of human existence:

We are all helpless as we enter the world and many of us are just as helpless as we exit the world.

I guess this brings us full circle in some kind of mysterious, yet artistically satisfying way. Just as many stories fold back on themselves, so does life itself.

And, of course, that’s why so many authors instinctively bring a plot back to the beginning as a story concludes. They intuitively recognize that so many issues in life come back full circle. Their artistic gifts realize this even if they cannot articulate it as such.

It’s as if the adventure begins and ends in the same place. Yet, you come full circle as a very different person than when you began the journey.

So be aware of how things come to full circle in your life. It’s a pattern that we repeat again and again until we repeat it for the final time.

Filed under: Observations about Life | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

Bad News about My Favorite Sushi Place

Posted on November 24, 2009 by Tony Papajohn

Here’s some bad news that illustrates something about me and how think about business.

My favorite sushi place in Duluth, Georgia, is closing.

You must understand, I don’t eat the stuff. I’m a vegetarian and to me that means I don’t eat anything that had eyes. However, I do eat soybeans and miso soup.

I am distressed when I see small business owners close the doors. I am doubly distressed when the small business owners are good people who put their hearts and souls into their business.

To the best of my knowledge, here is what happened. The little strip shopping center in which they were located experienced considerable turnover. A tobacco shop and a massage parlor brought in an undesirable element that “hung out” in the parking lot and chased customers away. Even Starbucks closed their store.

And I am even more distressed because the couple that owns the place laments “if we only had 10 more steady customers, we could have made it.”

So my natural inclination is to say “I’ll help you get 10 more steady customers. What do we have to do to get those 10 customers?” and so on.

However, the saddest part of all this is that they are apparently resigned to their fates and have already sold off their business and, in their words, taken “a bath.”

It’s not my money and it still hurts. I dislike seeing anyone fail in business. And this is especially true if I like them and they are good people and they really tried.

And all three are true in this case.

Alas, it takes more than affection, character, and effort to succeed. It takes a certain shrewdness, unflinching resolve, and an unwillingness to do anything except “work the problem” until you solve it.

Well, I still feel bad for them. Although I know that some would say “it’s about the money,” I’m not immune to the heartache that business can bring.

And I feel that heartache even if the business belongs to someone else.

Filed under: How My Mind Works | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »

The Top Two Best Things I’ve Ever Done in My Life

Posted on November 22, 2009 by Tony Papajohn

Here they are, in order:

  • I taught my mother to drive.
  • I cared for my father in his final days. (This is on-going at present.)

I taught my mother to drive when she was 46. That was 35 years ago.

And my father was not amused! Not at all!

He did not like the idea and it bugged him for years. He complained that she was always out doing things.

I’ll leave it to you to sort my father’s rants from the reality of the situation. Suffice it to say that I consider this the best thing in my life that I’ve ever done for this reason:

What else could a son do for his mother that would enrich her life and expand her world whilst irritating his father for 35 years?  I can’t think of much else. It’s the gift that keeps on irritating.

For this reason, I consider this the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.

The second-best thing I’ve ever done is on-going. As I write this, my father is dying of cancer in the next room and my mother and I are caring for him the best we can.

He is in hospice care, so we have guidance. Yet, it is still an adventure and sometimes a comedy.

We got a diaper on him with no shortage of effort. We quite pleased until the nurse’s aide came the next day and told us we put it on backwards! So I’m keeping my day job.

My father is 87 and my mother is 81. They have known each other for 63 years and been married for 60. As you can imagine, my mother is fried way beyond extra-crispy.

So I’m doing the best I can and, at least now and then, I feel like I’ve done well.

So that’s the two best things I’ve done and am doing in my life.

Filed under: Family | Tagged: | Leave a Comment »