Well the last few days have been interesting.
Last Thursday night, I really got mad at someone who has been close to me and very dear to me for about 15 years. At least on the surface, her drug use and drinking precipitated this incident. And “really got mad” is really an understatement.
Regardless of my stated intentions (always problematic because I can fool myself with world class skill), I behaved badly. And that’s another understatement.
Well, I am ashamed of myself. If anyone should know better, it is me. And I didn’t.
So this means I still have work to do on myself. Ya think? This is hardly news to anyone who knows me well.
The next evening, I happened to meet Craig, a friend of a friend. In casual conversation, he openly admitted being a recovering addict. So I introduced myself and wondered if I could ask a few questions.
Here’s a brief summary of our extended conversation:
I can only fix myself and what the other person does or does not do is up to her.
I’m as sick as she is. And this even though I don’t drink or use recreational drugs.
So here are the headlines:
I was not yelling at her. I was really yelling at my drunken grandfather and have not made my peace with him even though he passed away in March, 1986.
I did everything I could to hurt the lady about which I care. In fact, I did it with no small amount of gusto, flourish, and style. I acted like her father, twisted things I had done for her into what they were not, and abandoned her.
A witch’s brew to be sure. However, that is what I did.
Moreover, in the course of the next few days, I realized that I have reacted in this way for over 30 years. There have been a few novel variations over the years. However, the pattern of co-dependency (trying to please someone), simmering until I get boil over, and then blowing up is now all too familiar.
And not just sparked by drugs and drinking. When I am basking in hurt feelings (for real or imagined reasons) and lash out, I am amazed at how I can be both predictable and creative at the same time.
So I have had to take a long and not-too-pleasant look in the mirror. And I am not exactly pleased with what I see.
However, I am making progress. I am heartened to recall this story about Swiss psychologist C.G. Jung. Apparently, he had a fierce temper and was quick to anger.
After calming down, he would seek out the person with whom he was so upset and try to reconstruct what happened and why he had such an awful reaction. He wanted to understand what happened and take steps to see that it does not happen again.
So I have begun the same process. So here’s where I am with this.
I’m going to go to a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting as soon as I can find one.
I visited my grandparents graves in Mt. Carmel Cemetery in Hillside, Illinois.
On the later point, I had a talk with my grandfather. I didn’t get mad at him. However, I told him that I was still angry over the way he treated my grandmother and my mother. I still love him and honor his memory. However, I am still very hurt and very honked off.
Well, the upshot was that I can and will recall the good memories of him. And they were numerous. He had many good qualities. So I will have to focus on these.
And I’ll note the progress I make from time to time.
Filed under: Working On Me | Tagged: self-examination | Leave a Comment »